Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
