The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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