o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
