I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
