There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize