We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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