and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize