roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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