drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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