battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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