Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
