Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
