you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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