Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
