New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
