I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize