i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
