I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
