Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
