I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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