Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
