so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
