someone threw a dead crab at me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
