your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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