he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
