i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
