Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
