i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
