Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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