My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
