My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
