my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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