I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
