So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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