dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I wish there were birth control emojis
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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