dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Four minutes until I can fart!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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