I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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