What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
