Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
