I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My ass is underappreciated
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
