She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
