I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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