I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
ttyl tear gas
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize