So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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