I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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