Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
