is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
