dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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