I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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