Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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