I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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