im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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