your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize