i need an iv and a liver transplant
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
