Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
