i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
