My sheets look like a crime scene.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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