meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
