god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Someone signed my nipple.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize