Where did you get a picture of my penis
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
