it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
