I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
