Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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