I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
