how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
