Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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