I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
